This is Something that I feel really strongly about, as someone who took several years to conceive and experienced miscarriage the question “when are you having a baby?” Really can be heart breaking and detrimental to someone’s mental health.
I’ll go back to the beginning…in 2011 we bought our first house and moved in together, we made the decision that I was going to come off my contraceptive as the particular one I was on can take a while for the effects to wear off properly (up to 12 months) and we knew we wanted to try for a family.
After a couple years of trying we realised there was clearly issues as I wasn’t getting my cycle even though I came off my contraceptive. After a fair few doctors appointments and being diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) I had a few things I had to get under control in order to conceive, I was prescribed Metformin to help lower my blood sugar, I received surgery to remove cysts from my ovaries, and after very unhealthy dropping 4 stone using meal replacement shakes finally I was prescribed Clomid after 4 years of trying.
In 2015 I finally conceived but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be, on the 23rd of December 2015 I experienced a miscarriage at home by myself at 13 weeks pregnant. I had to go to hospital and it was not something I want to relive, I was heart broken. But we are expected to pick ourselves up and carry on as normal after something like that happens. The worst thing people used to say to me “you can have another!” Or “You’ll get pregnant again” although these comments are given with good intentions they are like another dagger to the heart. I just wanted to scream “but I won’t, it’s not that simple” All it does is create self doubt, “will I though?”, “Maybe I’m just not meant to be a mother”, “it’ll never happen now”.
I had an amazing fertility specialist who had faith it would happen again so In early 2016 I was prescribed Clomid once more with a review after 12 weeks. After 12 weeks it hadn’t worked but the tests had shown that I had managed to ovulate therefore I was prescribed another 12 week course. Now clomid doesn’t come without the negatives side effects, for me it was headaches, mood swings, depression and cramps. August 2016 came and my course was up, I went back to my specialist and had all the tests and confirmed that I was NOT pregnant. Again my world collapsed, in my head I was a completely failure, I had let my husband down and I was clearly never going to be a mother! (Just to note my husband was the most supportive man I could have had by my side, and if we had never had children it would not have mattered to him one bit) on that same day a pregnancy was announced at work, and the following day a friend came round and announced they were pregnant. I felt like it was happening for everyone but me, and the fact that neither of these people were trying and it just happened was a further blow.
So now we had a decision to make, whether we continued onto other fertility methods or whether we wanted to start the adoption process as after 6 years of hope it was becoming a physical and mental strain and I really had given up all hope.
So two weeks had passed, I was feeling a little off at work, out of habit I picked up a pregnancy test on the way home as during the last few months I had got in the habit of doing them daily if not more. I got home wee’d on that little stick and it was positive! POSITIVE! I rang my husband as I was in shock and convinced the stress had got to me and I was hallucinating, he was two hours away on his way home so I just had to sit and wait. Due to the fact I thought I had gone crazy I called my sister to come round and bring another test, she was there within half an hour and again out came another positive test. SHOCK! but at least I hadn’t lost the plot. This was followed up with a digital test the next morning which confirmed I was 1-2 weeks pregnant. So after all that the Clomid treatment had done it’s job and made me ovulate and we managed to conceive again.
Now I’m not going to lie and say I had a glorious pregnancy, outside and physically it was great, but inside I was terrified, I was convinced I wouldn’t go full term and that I would lose another baby. Even at our first scan with tears streaming down my face I refused to look at the screen for fear that there wouldn’t be anything there. UntiI…heard it, that little heart beat. And the words from my husband “look at the screen” and there it was, our little baby! I spent the next 6 months living in complete fear that I would never get to meet our baby. And I will NEVER forget that feeling, it will haunt me forever.
Now due to further medical reasons I can no longer conceive, I am content with this as we now have our little girl and I know that I could not mentally go through the fertility process again, the worry, the fear, the heart ache. Not whilst I have my little miracle to look after.
When people have since asked me if I want any more children I have politely told them unfortunately I can’t have any more children, some people question this and ask why, others continue with “you never know, these things happen”, or “well I know someone who couldn’t get pregnant and it happened for them”, my favourite….”well when you lose a lot of weight it can happen”
NO!
If someone tells you they can’t have children, leave it at that, it’s okay to ask why, most of us don’t mind sharing our stories. For me I received tissue damage to my Fallopian tubes, and damage to my uterus during surgery to which I was told even if I did manage to fall pregnant by some miracle that I would not be able to carry a pregnancy to full term.
When it comes to these comments, I don’t actually think they are helpful to anyone regardless of whether they are experiencing infertility or not. Not because of infertility but because of, personal choice, career, environmental reasons, cost, health, lifestyle, timing, childhood trauma, wanting to wait, being single.
Before asking someone “when they are having children”, maybe ask them “if they want children” and RESPECT their answer. For me at one time every time someone asked me when I was having children it was like a piece of me died inside, that feeling of heartbreak, wanting to be sick, wanting to cry, feeling like a complete failure as a woman! All because of those words “when are you having a baby”
Now as far as infertility goes, my journey was pretty straight forward in terms of treatment and a lot easier than some women face, I know a few women going through what we went through and I really feel for them. But you wouldn’t know on the outside, they keep it to themselves and the smile and say “one day” or “not yet” when they get asked the dreaded question, and in reality that one question has just ruined that woman’s day.
Now I do find a lot of this is generational, the older generation have it built into them that women are there to produce children and that is their ‘job’. But I believe that being educated in these issues is so important, the world has changed massively and we don’t know what someone else is feeling. If someone has told you they don’t want children or can’t, please stop pushing it, and stop asking women when they are having a baby, because quite frankly they may want to spend the rest of their lives with a jet set career, travelling the world and spoiling themselves and why bloody not!
For me….Regardless of medical issues, one is enough for me and my husband, we are happy with our little family and we are keeping it at that.
My next post is going to be about PCOS In the U.K. it is believed 1 in 10 women suffer from this condition and there is currently no cure but some of the symptoms can be treated.
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